You Are Exactly Where You Belong
No Matter The Circumstance
A brief conversation to honor my raw grief shed a subtle luminescence over me and my feelings. As wrong as it’s all felt in this moment I was exactly where I belonged. Idling in the darkness and the depths of despair. Raw. Cried out and aching. I never knew that even our souls could ache.
The grief is extending my mind and body.
The pain is excruciating beyond mere words. Explaining it unjustifiable no matter the adjectives and no matter how far I reach into my library of expletives, and bookshelves lined with pages and pages of tales long and short, happy and gloomy, there is nothing I can extrapolate from any of it that could actually lay it bare in all it’s nakedness.
There is no way to convey the agony of pain that dwells and wells inside of me.
It comes and goes in waves of defeat and sorrow, pain and horror.
I continue to deny the reality in which I sit now, but no amount of denying will ever fade it away.
The reality of a loss this insurmountable is far too great to not feel completely lost, lifeless and bare. The reality affirms a state of brokenness that is hard to come back from. The truth of this moment incalculable and unconscionable, but definitive nonetheless.
My brain is not computing the simplest math and in the agony of this pain it’s hard to imagine a future when you feel like a part of you is missing. It’s perhaps accepting this loss as a new you emerges, never whole in that way again. It’s re-imagining life without a part of you. So really it’s as if we go on - half empty rather than half full. It’s not just a matter of perspective, but a matter of definitive consciousness that forces half of you to dredge on while the other half has just vanished.
Walking this way as only a part of myself - adds a voidness to all that I do. Not by choice. No, but by circumstance.
When they say “Life is not fair.” No set of words could be put together more mildly.
This is a subtle statement for the dark reality that encapsulates me and the loss. The void so grand it takes over every part of me, even the half that walks around empty now adding an emptiness to all that I do and all that is.
For more insights and inspiration checkout the Blossom Your Awesome Podcast.
While I’ve had the podcast on hold for a few months there are hundreds of episodes with amazing insights from incredible experts.
A few of my all time favorite conversations -
Compassionate Listening Ep. 9 With the sage and peace maker Susan Partnow
Wakefulness Ep. 19 With the remarkable light Katherine Jansen-Byrkit
Going Inward Ep. 282 With Mindfulness Coach and award winning author Marijke McCandless