My Dahlias And A Broken Heart

As October’s autumn cold roles in it reminds me of how fast summer flew by this year even though there were so many moments time stood still as I felt frozen with grief and disbelief, most moments.

My life changed this summer after an insurmountable loss. I roam now with a part of me missing, absent. My heart holds an enormous vacancy within that seems to be weighing me down making the smartest organ inside of me feel heavy, weighty, lackluster, lost, confused and purposeless.

I roam in search of something that can never be replaced, even on the most granular level. My heart throbs in pain and as that pain moves through my body it feels like a gut punch every time I connect that painful thought to my brain. It seems to weave through my organs landing in the pit of my stomach and then coming up for air through my lungs it feels more like a dry heave that makes me want to throw up again and again.

An encore of sorts like the - Encore Dahlias I planted this spring. Little did they know or care what was to come and transpire outside of their great big planter box in the bigger world that extends far beyond their twinny and twiggy reach.

They shoot up to the sky with great magnificence and splendor - beaming beautiful radiance out into the world - almost as if they were shouting, “Look at me! Look at me!”

And meanwhile I look at them, the majesty of the colors coming together in a biolage of yellow and hot pink, spikey looking, but soft to the touch, cratery in parts, but smooth as silk as they deceive me. And as I continue investigating the Dahlia’s I grew for the first time ever a revelation comes upon me that perhaps my purple thumb that I just smashed on the car door does have a little green in it after all.

Or perhaps it’s nature that does what it will irrespective of our own trials and tribulations and us being first timers at the planter box is just mere happenstance.

And as I come back to the beauty of the Dahlia - I weep at the thought of its beauty and the beauty I’ve lost in my life. I hold a beautiful glorious flower while a ginormous hole in my heart encapsulates every corridor of my being filling me with sorrow greater than I can hold. How is it that these two definitives could co-exist in one dark cruel world simultaneously?

For powerful insights listen in to my remarkable conversation on the Blossom Your Awesome Podcast with a sage of epic proportions | Ep. 289 With Dr. Nina Kelly.